My dad, the philosopher
Dad called and asked if I had seen his text. I hadn’t. I pull out my phone and he insists that I read it aloud. RD and Addie were with me at the moment. I proceed to read…. —————————— Retail version of human life cycle Writer: Bernard bavarian Age 13-19 You are placed at the entrance of the grocery store as a new product....
On Being Unemployed, No Longer
Dad: I was starting to worry I was going to have to send you the expired canned food from the house
After His Eye Surgery
Dad: I wish I had an "opti-grab" for these glasses
RD and I have just landed in Austin for...
Me: Just landed
Dad: Pick up some chinese for everybody to eat
Me: I was thinking more like Taco Bell
Dad: You are not too off. We made tacos. I am already falling asleep.
After Obama Won His 2nd Term
Me: So are you pleased with the outcome of last night?
Dad: Of course. But around this town I am supposed to pretend that I am unhappy.
After I received a pic of dad in his oil field...
Me: You are so blue collar
Dad: Tell RD dad has been lying to us and he really is a day laborer in the oil field at $12/hr
Me: I wouldnt doubt it. It would explain a lot.
Dad: Hahaha. Seriously. Tell him.
Dad just said that I should take a cruise. I said I want to go on an Alaskan cruise. He said “you want to look at ice? Open the freezer!”
You should have asked this stuff before we all came down with dimensia– On being asked to recall a favorite memory about his brother.
Dad: Barb and I took the train from Carrollton to downtown to eat. We are heading back.
Me: Fun. Where did you go?
Dad: Hooters. Hahahah. I had not been there since 2005
Me: Are you kidding? How classy dad. Ha.
Dad: We were not dressed for anything else.
Me: You're never dressed for anything else.
Dad: I dress according to Home Depot requirements.
the rental house
Dad: The house is almost rent-able. But first I have to evict the squirrels.
the LAST mortgage payment for Bellflower house
Dad to the woman at the mortgage company: “What’s the penalty for bounced checks?”
Dad: When you were in second grade u came home singing “oh my darlin, oh my darlin, oh my darlin clementine” do u remember where u got that song from? (i have no idea and I still haven’t gotten answer from him)
Hell must have frozen over
Cy: You're going to hate me....I did something I told myself I would never do....
Me: (I'm thinking he's been arrested or gotten a girl pregnant but I respond with...) You bought an apple product?
Cy: I feel so ashamed!
In response to Barbara ironing his shirt.
Dad: Are you being a domestic housewife?
Barb: No, I'm trying to keep you from embarrassing yourself.
And here’s a picture of Ari. (said picture is of the Thanksgiving...– dad
Conversation With My Uncle...
HIM: How do you look for anyone on face book if u want to see if they are on face book ME: You just log in and search for their name at the top of the page HIM: I don’t see a search …. this may be hopeless…
the man gets that much more confusing....
Dad: What is this MP3?
Me: (shaking my head...deep breath) MP3 are audio files...like the ones people listen to on iPod's.
Dad: Yeah, what is an iPod?
Me: Really? Where have you been the last 10 years?
you should try to scalp those tickets– Dad: on me flying business class to London
Dad: I bought an $80 toothbrush from Aldi and they have this safe for $50 and i'm seriously considering buying it.
Me: What do you need a safe for?
Dad: To put my $80 toothbrush in.
It just needs more freon. Add more freon.– Mr. Mechanic (dad)
I got a $.10 raise per minute– pops
Dad and I just rehashed all of the fancy restaurants he would take us to….you know Long John Silvers, Taco Bell, Dunkin Donuts. He proceeds to say “it’s a wonder you guys don’t have cancer.”
After realizing that dad JUST saw "Slumdog...
Me: You just saw that movie?
Dad: I haven't been to a movie theater in 15 years
Me: I realize that but when I told you to see it, you should have splurged on the $10 and gone to the theater.
Dad: I feel guilty buying a $15 dinner on an expense account.
Me: What kind of life is that?
Dad: I know. It's going to take a long time in detox to remind me that I dont have dependents anymore.
After finding out that I’m going to NYC to compete for the Young Cannes Lions competition dad says “You should pull a Nancy Kerrigan on the other teams”.
flashback to the days of dial-up
(preface: my dad just joined the iPhone clan)
Dad: How do I turn off the internet on this thing?
Me: What do you mean?
Dad: Well when I'm done using the internet on the phone, how do I turn it off?
Me: Why would you want to do that?
Dad: So that I don't get charged extra minutes.
Me: What are we? In 1994? Who gets charged by the minute anymore?!
(clearly he didn't read the fine print under the UNLIMITED DATA plan section)
Seriously, I think I have aspberger. Or tourette’s.– Everyone’s favorite Canadian dentist :)
dad: I'll call u later. I'm not ready to send the stuff yet. Do u have an email address?
me: Um really?! I email you all of the time bozo.
dad on importing a CD
me: Do you have iTunes?
dad: I have Looney Tunes
dad: There is a girl at the Korean store who looks 80% like u
me: Why don't you spend some time with her since she's there and I'm here
dad: I did better. I bitched at her hahahahah
me: Shocking. But that's what you'd do to me anyways.
There's never any time...
Cy: Dad, you can build your own computer instead of buying one.
Dad: I don't even have time to mow the back yard! There's probably
15 cats and dogs stuck back in the grass, you can't see anything.
Yeah but look at my chick magnet over there…well, more like a grandma...– Dad referring to his minivan
So I guess we have Sarah Hale to thank for starting Thanksgiving but I...– “Ron” Bavarian
Now here's one way to beat the economy....
My dad went to a 7-11 about a year ago, located right next to campus in Austin. He was wearing his Sunday best which constitutes a pair of jeans with holes in them and a ratty shirt. He walks up to the counter to pay for his cup of coffee, pulling out a handful of change. The guy behind the counter, thinking my dad is a homeless man, said “that’s ok, go ahead”. Apparently, this...
Dad further explaining why he's throwing...
Dad: I'm getting rid of everything that reminds me of you and your brother. I'm trying to forget you guys ever existed!
Dad really thinks highly of himself
Me: I started a blog about you...about the funny things you say.
Dad: Maybe they'll want me in Hollywood.
Dad: I keep txting people and after I send it I put the phone to my ear waiting for it to ring. Then I realize I was txting
Growing up, we were always being tested
Note that my dad sent the following to both my brother Cy and me. Dad: I left my contacts submerged in saline solution (saltwater) and closed the contact holder by putting the caps on it. The next day I wore them with no problem. The following nite I did the thing except I did not put the caps on. When I put them on the next day it burned my eyes. Ur assigment is to tell me what caused my eyes to...
no one lives in our house
dad: buying all new dishware at IKEA. I am in touch with my feminine side today me: for who? the squirrels? dad: and one rat.
my dad likes to throw my things away without...
dad: do you need ur “honorary beermaster” certificate u got from Budweiser for your office and resume? i found it in the garage. me: yes! how do you think i got this job. you’re not throwing out all of my things are you? its not like it’s in the way of anything dad: i have to throw out some of this crap. but i’m having cy’s yo-yo championship certificate...
getting excited about going home for thanksgiving
me: miss you dad. can’t wait to see you. dad: miss you too. we will both drive to san antonio jail to visit your brother, hahahah, if he doesn’t take care of that speeding ticket me: i’ll bring him his power ranger pillow case
from my dad who never answers his phone
dad: jerk answer your phone
my dad has not visited me once in 4 years since i...
dad: guess where I am going me: chicago? dad: the ferry me: i think you love the ferry more than you love your own daughter
i can't remember the last time he said something...
dad: i had an out of body experience today. i actually complimented someone. hahahahaha
I texted dad about a dream I had
me: had a dream about being back at home. You, mom and Cy. I was so sad when I woke up. dad: i am sad that u had a nighmare ahhahahahah
my dad is a magnet for people with "issues"...my...
dad: on the phone with one of the patients in a counseling session.
told dad I was taking my brother to the opera
me: Going to an opera for $5. Don Giovani. Cy asked if we were going to stay the whole time. He says “I’m not going to understand anything”. I say “no one understands” dad: Tell him I should have taught him to appreciate art the way I do…to appreciate the velvet pictures of elvis jesus and tiger.
I was visiting my cousin in Germany.
dad: Tell him to buy the dinner. His mom is rich